Like I Care
by Song of Silver Raven
Summary: A random LeafpoolxCrowfeather songfic, to "Gives You Hell". Told in Leafpool's point of view. Comments and constructive criticism welcome-I'm always looking to improve!


Could I really care anymore? After everything he'd done to me, how could I? Did he still expect me to run back to him happily in StarClan, and swoon over him like the other two she-cats he had padding after him? Feathertail _and_ Nightcloud-did he really have to put me through such endless torture? Ever since I got to know him, even when I had his kits, I always felt as if I was doing the right thing. Our love was right? Of course. I could pity myself, the way I really thought I was any different from those other she-cats. I can't really blame either of them. I bet they were thinking the same thing-being with him makes them feel special.

Couldn't they see how wrong they were? How terrible he was?

Oh, but I saw right through that pretty little face. Those gorgeous gray-blue eyes, the color of the rushing river, fur more beautiful, softer than a raven's feather..and there I was rambling on again. Of course. Of course. Was that all I could think about nowadays, that one little phrase? Like I care. My problem. Not yours! Not his. No one's but my own.. right?

I could already feel the hot tears dripping onto my cheek-fur. This time I just wasn't able to bite back the tears. The mallow got a little bit wet, the sweet, almost nauseating stench floating into the air, the wetness carrying the scent all around. Still carrying the mallow, I padded a few fox-lengths to the lake, and stared down at my reflection. Tears streaked my pale tabby fur, my eyes glistening with moisture. Thanks to him, this is what I had become-but I didn't care anymore. Like. I. Care.

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face

And it never feels out of place

And you're still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace

I wonder how bad that tastes

Of course, I was only out collecting herbs. It was nothing really different than usual.. it just felt like it. I needed more mallow, and of course, mallow only grows near the WindClan border. So naturally I started thinking about him.. leaving me where I am right now. Even if I'd been allowed to return as a medicine cat, most everyone except Squirrelflight and maybe Sandstorm shunned me. My own kits hated me. I couldn't blame them, either. They didn't know what I had been through.. I almost spat my catmint straight at the voice I heard when its silky, familiar clarity rang in my ears.

"Leafpool." If I could have jumped three fox-lengths in the air at that moment, I probably would have. Fortunately I didn't possess those talents, and so my emotions were kept in a cool, calm exterior. I looked up, praying the water had been concealed by my thick, leaf-bare-long pelt. Judging from the look in his blue eyes, it had.

"Crowfeather," I replied, just as smoothly. Behind him were two cats. One was a pretty light brown with eyes the color of a late afternoon sky. The other was one I knew all too well.. a beautifully sleeked black pelt. A patrol? Likely.

"What are you doing so close to the border?" Heathertail, was it?-the pretty brown she-cat spoke. For a moment, an old energy of defiance rushed through my muscles, like a shock of adrenaline, but almost as quickly as it came, it faded when I could almost feel the blue eyes scorching into my pelt, and they weren't from Heathertail. I bit back a sharp retort, though admittedly my reply did come out a little harsher than needed.

"Collecting herbs."

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

"In the middle of leaf-bare?" Nightcloud mocked. "What a wonderfully talented medicine cat you are. Even _I _know-" Thankfully, Heathertail slapped her tail over Nightcloud's muzzle for a brief moment, then slapped it away, but the message was clear enough. Don't provoke trouble unless needed. She's just a lone medicine cat; not much of a threat.

That made me angry. Very. Angry.

Now where's your picket fence love

And where's that shiny car,

And did it ever get you far

You've never seem so tense love

I've never seen you fall so hard,

Do you know where you are?

Helpless? I'd been called many things, but nothing.. nothing as hurtful as that. I prayed to all of StarClan or anyone who would hear me that the terrible hurt didn't show in my eyes. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see one cat smirking. It pained me even more, but I had to stray strong. For the sake of ThunderClan, my kits, my own dignity.. but I hated him. I hoped will all my heart he went to the Dark Forest when he died; wouldn't that be a good enough punishment? Wouldn't it?

And truth be told I miss you

And truth be told I'm lying

I wanted to see him again, somewhere deep inside me. At the same time, I knew he shouldn't be allowed to have such pleasures. He needed to go to a place where no she-cats existed. Pah! He wouldn't last a moment. I had to stifle a giggle as the thought crossed my mind that he'd fall in love with Tigerstar, but even he wasn't that love-obsessed. Feathertail was too good for him; I pitied her. Nightcloud.. well, I guess I could pity her a little too, but not really.

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

Only a little bit of time passed before I replied coolly, "A good medicine cat knows when to stock up whenever possible." I hadn't really thought about the words, but now that they came out, I couldn't help but feel a bit proud of myself-they were the perfectly guarded words I needed. Even Crowfeather seemed a bit taken back by the fact I did not respond sharply or recklessly; and I felt even more pleased with myself.

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me

You can take back your memories they're no good to me

And here's all your lies,

You can look me in the eyes

With that sad sad look that you wear so well

For a moment-a small, very, very short moment-I thought I saw a flash of regret flash across his face. Then another moment, I decided I was probably just playing with myself. What were the chances he regretted anything he'd done? Really, what were they? No, wait; I don't want to know. I don't care. I don't care anymore.

"Well then, Leafpool, I guess there's nothing else left to say here. May StarClan..light your path." Though his voice was oddly respectful, I could hear the hesitation in it. He hated me. Oh well. I guess I felt the same way towards him, right, so no hard feelings? And yet, some part of me still wanted to soak up every last drop of his perfect appearance, perfect voice, his muscles…No, Leafpool, you can't think that way anymore! Every instinct I had screamed for me to shout to StarClan that I still loved him.

But I held back, because those words weren't true anymore.

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well

Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

I don't care if he lives or dies. Even as I turned to watch him go, padding into the sunset-filled moor with Nightcloud, I found that every last bit of regret had already been used. No more regret. Just hatred. Who knows? Maybe if Bramblestar didn't change me back to being a medicine cat, I might be a good warrior. Didn't Tigerstar always say that a strong warrior was fueled by hatred and anger? I remember that night, when I saw Hawkfrost and Bramblestar (then Brambleclaw) talking to Tigerstar. I remember him saying something like that..

But I wasn't a warrior, and I wasn't Tigerstar. So no. The part of me that wanted to rip his face out and feel him scream under my claws tearing through his fur would have to wait for another day. I smiled a little bit, triumphantly or proudly-I'm not quite sure.

When you see my face

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way

Hope it gives you hell

Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell

Then you're the fool, I'm just as well

Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell

You can sing along, I hope that it puts you through hell

I padded back to camp with an eerie kind of feeling, one I had only experienced once before, the night we mated. I felt like I could do anything—climb the tallest tree, defeat the strongest cat, catch the fastest prey..

I decided a few things in life I'm sure about now. For one, the only one who ever really cared about me was Squirrelflight. She never betrayed me, and she never will. The rest of the clan.. most of them don't hate me, but I don't have the same trust as they do with each other. But that's fine with me. I'm also sure that no matter what, I will stay strong. I don't care anymore about him. His pretty friends, family, kit-everything about him I could honestly care less about.

So then why am I thinking this? I don't know. I don't care.

Like I care.


End file.
